Dear Korean,
When I listen to Korean radio stations I hear 90's R&B imitations, right down to the 'oohs' and 'aahs'. For a nation of people that look down on blacks, why adopt the music and dance?
Andrea
There are certain dumb questions that get asked in high frequency, and this has been one of them.
First of all, let's make sure to state what the Korean has stated numerous times before: racism in Korea against darker-skinned folks is real. If you are a darker-skinned foreigner in Korea, you will be treated differently from Koreans. That much is true.
What makes this question dumb is the inability to distinguish different shades of racism. No one -- certainly not the Korean, who has written many, many posts decrying racism -- disputes that racism is vile. Yet there plainly is a difference between the type of racism behind firing off a callous racist joke, and the same behind burning a cross on an African American's front yard. Many, however, slap the same "racism" label across the board and refuse to think much further. The result is a dumb question like this one.
This inability is not simply annoying. It damages and delegitimizes our ability to address racism effectively. Our response against racist actions must be graduated (that is, be put forth in various differing degrees) according to the depth and effect of the racism behind those actions. Failure to do so reduces the fight against racism to a butthurt, over-sensitive arm-waving. It turns the fight against racism into a joke.
Why do Koreans take on black music? Come on. United States in the 1950s was incomparably more racist than Korea today. There was an official policy of segregation for much of the country; most institutions for social mobility (e.g. colleges) were unavailable to African Americans; rape and lynching were common, and no one was ever convicted for those crimes. Yet Elvis Presley -- who expressly acknowledged the African American roots of his music -- was the greatest superstar of that decade. Gee, why did a white American like Elvis adopt black music and dance?
Allow the Korean to reiterate: racism in Korea is real. A lot of Koreans genuinely believe that color of your skin is associated with the content of your character. Foreigners with darker skin are often treated poorly, especially if they are in a situation to pose a threat to Korea's racial majority. But that does not mean that a black person would be pelted with stones while walking down the streets of Seoul. That does not mean that Koreans have a categorical and unflinching stance of rejection toward everything African or African American. Koreans take black music and dance for the same reason anyone else did -- because they are beautiful and awesome.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Korean Last Names Series: Jeon-Ui Lee
Dear Korean,
I moved to America at the age of 9, and have retained most of my Korean fluency (although it's only about Elementary school level). However, I lost most of the history that I learned during school. One of the things I miss the most is the history of my last name. Unfortunately, no one in my immediate family can give a detailed answer. All my extended family is in Korea and I do not keep in touch with most of them. Is there any way you could help me out? Since I can still read and understand Korean, I was able to track it down to this website (http://www.surname.info/i/jeon_ui.html), however once it gets into hanja and such, it gets too complicated for me. I saw that you had answered some of reader emails regarding specific last names and was hoping that you would look into mine.
Kevin
Three years after the last installment of Korean last name series, we have another entry. Our questioner Kevin belongs to Jeon-Ui Lee clan [전의 이씨], the fourth largest Lee clan in Korea with over 130,000 members living in Korea as of 2000.
Jeon-Ui Lee clan, unfortunately, does not have a story as interesting as Gyeongju Son, which involves a mystical stone bell and such. The first Jeon-Ui Lee was a man name Lee Do [이도], who was a high official for the first king of Goryeo Dynasty. Jeon-Ui refers to an area now known as Chungcheongnam-do Yeon'gi-goon Jeon'ui-myeon, a rural area between the cities of Cheonan and Cheongju where Lee Do received his fiefdom from his king.
The website for Jeon-Ui Lee clan's lineage society is here.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
I moved to America at the age of 9, and have retained most of my Korean fluency (although it's only about Elementary school level). However, I lost most of the history that I learned during school. One of the things I miss the most is the history of my last name. Unfortunately, no one in my immediate family can give a detailed answer. All my extended family is in Korea and I do not keep in touch with most of them. Is there any way you could help me out? Since I can still read and understand Korean, I was able to track it down to this website (http://www.surname.info/i/jeon_ui.html), however once it gets into hanja and such, it gets too complicated for me. I saw that you had answered some of reader emails regarding specific last names and was hoping that you would look into mine.
Kevin
Three years after the last installment of Korean last name series, we have another entry. Our questioner Kevin belongs to Jeon-Ui Lee clan [전의 이씨], the fourth largest Lee clan in Korea with over 130,000 members living in Korea as of 2000.
Jeon-Ui Lee clan, unfortunately, does not have a story as interesting as Gyeongju Son, which involves a mystical stone bell and such. The first Jeon-Ui Lee was a man name Lee Do [이도], who was a high official for the first king of Goryeo Dynasty. Jeon-Ui refers to an area now known as Chungcheongnam-do Yeon'gi-goon Jeon'ui-myeon, a rural area between the cities of Cheonan and Cheongju where Lee Do received his fiefdom from his king.
The website for Jeon-Ui Lee clan's lineage society is here.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
"Gook" is a bad word
Dear Korean,
Lately, the guys at my school have started calling my Korean friends and I "gooks". At first we just thought it was an immature thing that they had made up, but it turns out that when my older cousin was in middle school, her math teacher called her and all the other Asians the exact same thing. Is it supposed to be a racist word or just another name to call Koreans/Asians?
Sincerely, Confused "Gook" Girl
This post is more like a PSA, because the Korean believes (or hopes!) that most people would know about this. But apparently, at least some people in the world does not know this, so here it is:
"Gook" is a racist term denoting Asians. In fact, it is right up there with "chink" as the most offensive term to describe Asians.
If you ever hear this term, do not let it slide. Get in the face of the slur-utterer and shake him/her down like s/he owes you money. Because the only way to get the racists to change their ways is to make them learn that they are fucking with the wrong gook.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Lately, the guys at my school have started calling my Korean friends and I "gooks". At first we just thought it was an immature thing that they had made up, but it turns out that when my older cousin was in middle school, her math teacher called her and all the other Asians the exact same thing. Is it supposed to be a racist word or just another name to call Koreans/Asians?
Sincerely, Confused "Gook" Girl
This post is more like a PSA, because the Korean believes (or hopes!) that most people would know about this. But apparently, at least some people in the world does not know this, so here it is:
"Gook" is a racist term denoting Asians. In fact, it is right up there with "chink" as the most offensive term to describe Asians.
If you ever hear this term, do not let it slide. Get in the face of the slur-utterer and shake him/her down like s/he owes you money. Because the only way to get the racists to change their ways is to make them learn that they are fucking with the wrong gook.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
V is for Vendetta?
Dear Korean,
Why do Koreans throw up the peace sign whenever they take a picture?
Sparkle
You mean, like this?
And like this?
And like this?
Oops, maybe not like the last one.
At any rate, it is true that when taking a picture, Koreans very commonly throw up the "V" sign. But why?
Truth is, Koreans themselves are not particularly sure. It is a habit that is practiced without much thought behind it. It is not as if Koreans care much more about peace than any other people in the world, as Koreans generally know the sign as a "V" sign, rather than a "peace" sign. When pressed, some Koreans may give an answer that the "V" sign was popularized by Winston Churchill to signify "victory," and simply caught on thereafter. While the explanation may be plausible (as Churchill did popularize the "V" sign,) this explanation does not reflect that reality that Koreans are hardly thinking about "victory" when they are taking a picture.
In fact, Koreans are not really trying to convey any meaning as they throw up the "V" sign. If one really tried and forced a meaning behind the gesture, it would be: "Yes, I am aware that I am having my picture taken, and I am mildly happy that I am doing so."
Then why do it? The best answer might be -- why not? When taking a picture, particularly while standing still, what to do with your hands always presents an awkward dilemma. Might as well do something with them, and a "V" sign is as good as any. It's something, and it kind of looks cool. This explanation may be unsatisfying, but given that Koreans hardly assign any meaning to the "V" sign as they are taking a picture, it may be the only possible one.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Why do Koreans throw up the peace sign whenever they take a picture?
Sparkle
You mean, like this?
 |
| (source) |
And like this?
 |
| (source) |
And like this?
 |
| (source) |
At any rate, it is true that when taking a picture, Koreans very commonly throw up the "V" sign. But why?
Truth is, Koreans themselves are not particularly sure. It is a habit that is practiced without much thought behind it. It is not as if Koreans care much more about peace than any other people in the world, as Koreans generally know the sign as a "V" sign, rather than a "peace" sign. When pressed, some Koreans may give an answer that the "V" sign was popularized by Winston Churchill to signify "victory," and simply caught on thereafter. While the explanation may be plausible (as Churchill did popularize the "V" sign,) this explanation does not reflect that reality that Koreans are hardly thinking about "victory" when they are taking a picture.
In fact, Koreans are not really trying to convey any meaning as they throw up the "V" sign. If one really tried and forced a meaning behind the gesture, it would be: "Yes, I am aware that I am having my picture taken, and I am mildly happy that I am doing so."
Then why do it? The best answer might be -- why not? When taking a picture, particularly while standing still, what to do with your hands always presents an awkward dilemma. Might as well do something with them, and a "V" sign is as good as any. It's something, and it kind of looks cool. This explanation may be unsatisfying, but given that Koreans hardly assign any meaning to the "V" sign as they are taking a picture, it may be the only possible one.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Ask a Korean! Wiki: What to Tell Your Family?
Dear Korean,
Please comes to know this stranger from the East Coast, U.S. henceforth as the Blankard. The Blankard is a recently certified ESL teacher. The Blankard comes from a family that greatly disapproves of the Blankard's choice to pursue South Korea to teach, for they fear for their Blankard, even if the Blankard himself feels apprehension only about 'leaving the nest,' as they say. I have read The Korean's posts from 2010 (Q: Is Korea a dangerous place? A: "No, no more than it has been in the last 40 years"), as well as the more recent posting about the Japanese radiation. These topics are cited as causes for "that part of the world being very volatile." The Blankard himself seeks ways to reassure his concerned family.
The Blankard
Well, the Korean has never had any issue with the Korean Family about his desire to be in Korea. (In fact, the Korean Parents would likely favor it.) As the Korean is recovering from his vacation, let's turn this one over to the readers: readers, if you came to Korea for a mid- to long-term stay, how did you deal with your over-anxious family?
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Please comes to know this stranger from the East Coast, U.S. henceforth as the Blankard. The Blankard is a recently certified ESL teacher. The Blankard comes from a family that greatly disapproves of the Blankard's choice to pursue South Korea to teach, for they fear for their Blankard, even if the Blankard himself feels apprehension only about 'leaving the nest,' as they say. I have read The Korean's posts from 2010 (Q: Is Korea a dangerous place? A: "No, no more than it has been in the last 40 years"), as well as the more recent posting about the Japanese radiation. These topics are cited as causes for "that part of the world being very volatile." The Blankard himself seeks ways to reassure his concerned family.
The Blankard
Well, the Korean has never had any issue with the Korean Family about his desire to be in Korea. (In fact, the Korean Parents would likely favor it.) As the Korean is recovering from his vacation, let's turn this one over to the readers: readers, if you came to Korea for a mid- to long-term stay, how did you deal with your over-anxious family?
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Gone Fishin'
The Korean will be on vacation for about two weeks, dear readers. Please be understanding if there is no new post, or your question is answered even more slowly than usual.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Boundaries, Man, Boundaries
Dear Korean,
I am an American woman but have been living in Korea for almost five years now. There has been something irking me lately. Even though I'm fluent enough to have general conversations in Korean, many people in my social circle seem to regard me as an English tool. My Korean boyfriend, who is currently changing jobs, has lately asked me endless English questions and wants me to help him with English essays. Of course, as his girlfriend, I want to help. But he also has asked me to help another friend with his essays, and another of his friends, upon finding out I am a native English speaker, also requested help--- a 16 page essay!!!! >.< This was way too much, and although my boyfriend admitted it, he still said "please help my friend." Meanwhile, another friend has been wondering if I could tutor her younger cousin in English. And another previously asked me to help her with English reading.
I love the Korean friends I've met and I certainly enjoy the company of my Korean boyfriend. But am I doomed to be considered an English tool who should cough up her English knowledge whenever and wherever it is requested? Do all Koreans see my white face as an English skill? Is there any way to have a relationship with a Korean and not to be considered useful this way at the same time? How do I establish boundaries within my Korean relationships that show them I want to be accepted as a person, not as a potential language tool!?
I'm an English speaker, not a walking dictionary
Here is a problem that the Korean rarely encounters, if only because he is living in the U.S. So once again, here is a guest post from I'm No Picasso. As an English teacher in Korea, she would be in a better position to answer the question.
As my boyfriend and I sat down to dinner at a galbi restaurant one night, he abruptly launched into a tale about how his friend, a college-aged woman, had recently broken up with her Western boyfriend. As those of us who live here and who are surrounded by these kinds of intercultural, interracial relationships know, there are a few go-to reasons for why the break up may have happened. I asked him which one it was.
"He was really grumpy. He always got mad at her about small things."
Fairly normal breakup fare, intercultural relationship or not. But my boyfriend is not prone to dishing out gossip about other people just to have something to talk about. I had a feeling he had something on his mind, something he maybe wanted to run past me.
"Why was he grumpy? Or is that what you're trying to ask me?"
It was. It turned out the small thing his friend's boyfriend was continuously being grumpy about was her requesting his help with her English assignments. Before my boyfriend had gotten halfway through his explanation, I was already visibly cringing.
I explained to my boyfriend that, yes, she was his girlfriend, and yes, a good boyfriend should be willing to help his girlfriend with whatever he can, but that asking foreigners in Korea for help with English is always going to be a sore point. I don't think there is even one among us who has never experienced the disappointment that comes along with starting to form a real relationship with a Korean (as a person and not specifically as a Korean) just because we like them and we want to be around them, only to have it become clear that their intentions are not the same. I would wager that most of us have probably had it happen even more than once.
The line starts to get blurry, and it's not difficult to become a little paranoid, after feeling duped the first few times.
But he's a native English speaker, and helping her with these things is so easy for him. She really did like him, and would have been dating him even if he didn't speak English.
Yeah, but how are we supposed to know that?
At that point, I think my boyfriend had caught on to the shift to the pronoun "we", and he decided to let it go.
At this point in my life as a native English speaker in Korea, I think I've constructed a pretty good answer to that question for myself. English help shouldn't be different from any other kind of favor. The emotions tied to it when you are an "outsider" in a society obviously are. But if you try to keep it confined to the realm of any other skill or help you may be able to offer, it gets a lot easier to untangle.
Like any other kind of favor, first of all, no one who hasn't built that kind of relationship with you should be asking you for help with English. If it's the first or second thing out of a person's mouth, it means one of two things: 1. They are the kind of person who feels no shame asking favors of people who have absolutely no reason to give them anything, seeing the possibility for an advantage, and taking it regardless of how it makes the other person feel. They probably act this way toward other Koreans as well. 2. They aren't showing you the same respect they would show another Korean, and they’re making a social mistake based on the fact that they don’t realize that asking you to teach or help them with English is the equivalent of asking someone they barely know for a time-consuming favor at best, and free work at worst.
Basically, they’re being rude. And it’s not a great first impression, or a fantastic indication of things to come. It’s usually best to steer away, in these cases.
But after you have formed those relationships, it becomes more complicated. What are you supposed to do when someone you are already attached to starts making you uncomfortable with how much they are asking of you?
Exactly what you would do in exactly the same case involving anything other than English.
Everyone has different lines for how much they are willing to give to others. Some people, for example, will lend endless money to friends, no matter how many times they ask and no matter how little they are repaid. Other people will bristle the very first time the hint of it comes up, even within a ten year relationship. There is really no "should" involved. It's about your personal comfort level. But if you can try to see your English skill as any other kind of favor, and feel neither more obligated nor more emotional about being asked for it, I think you'll find the answer.
But, as with any other thing, the concept of, "Well you have it to give, therefore you should give it to me and all of my friends whenever I want," doesn't really fly with me.
Sometimes Koreans don't realize that asking for English help is the same as asking for any other favor, and whether we speak the language fluently or not, it's still work for us to pore over 20 page papers, tutor children for an hour a week, and be asked to "dinners" where we spend the majority of the time being asked to correct spoken sentences and critique pronunciation. It's not a super fun thing that we are all doing together and are really lucky to be involved in -- it's a favor. It's something that we are ordinarily paid to do. It involves an investment of our time and effort, which we get nothing out of in return. And it should be respected and approached as such.
And that’s the approach I usually take, when dealing with the requests for what essentially amount to free private lessons. I explain that my visa doesn’t allow me to do any work outside of my school. They usually look confused for a moment, before they realize what I’m saying. Yes. You are my friend. But teaching your child for two hours a week is private tutoring. It’s a job.
As for the closer personal relationships, I’ve found it’s usually best to just explain it, exactly the way I did to my boyfriend. Sometimes people don’t have the first clue how being asked for English help all the time can make us feel – my boyfriend didn’t. And when I explained it, he said, “Well, why didn’t he just tell her that? If she knew that’s what he was thinking, she would’ve never asked him again!” Sometimes just laying it out can save you a lot of trouble, and I see nothing wrong with having to explain it. But it sounds to me like you have already explained it to your boyfriend, maybe even multiple times.
Should you be willing to help your boyfriend whenever possible? Of course. However, he should be willing to stop doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, even if it means telling his friends 'no'. And that goes with every other person we have a personal relationship with as well, Korean or otherwise.
I try not to get my hackles up as soon as someone asks me for help with English, these days. But my very favorite people, it has to be said, are the ones who do so with an offer of a meal or a cup of coffee in return. The ones who say, "I'm really sorry to ask this, but...." The ones who clarify that it's absolutely okay for me to say 'no'. After all, I have to ask for favors, too. I can’t order this thing online because I don’t have a Korean identification number, and do you know what this note I got in my mailbox means? And more and more these days, I annoy my boyfriend (who has zero interest in improving his English) with my inane Korean questions, or to look over essays or assignments I’ve written.
I need help, too. And I’ve even asked my boyfriend to help my friends before. And he’s always happy to help, and I love him for that. But I respect it when he and other people tell me ‘no’. And I’m always aware that what I’m asking for is a favor. I expect the same in return, and if anyone in my personal life continues to push after I've made it obvious that I'm uncomfortable with the requests, I start to reevaluate that relationship.
We're not going to stop being native English speakers, and the occasional Korean is never going to stop seeing us as having been put on this earth to help people with their English. It's impossible to stop encountering it. It is possible, however, to move away from people who don’t care about making you uncomfortable. Always explain first – you don’t want to cut people out because they simply didn’t have a chance to understand where you are coming from. But after that? Think about the kind of people you want to have in your life, and take it from there.
I am an American woman but have been living in Korea for almost five years now. There has been something irking me lately. Even though I'm fluent enough to have general conversations in Korean, many people in my social circle seem to regard me as an English tool. My Korean boyfriend, who is currently changing jobs, has lately asked me endless English questions and wants me to help him with English essays. Of course, as his girlfriend, I want to help. But he also has asked me to help another friend with his essays, and another of his friends, upon finding out I am a native English speaker, also requested help--- a 16 page essay!!!! >.< This was way too much, and although my boyfriend admitted it, he still said "please help my friend." Meanwhile, another friend has been wondering if I could tutor her younger cousin in English. And another previously asked me to help her with English reading.
I love the Korean friends I've met and I certainly enjoy the company of my Korean boyfriend. But am I doomed to be considered an English tool who should cough up her English knowledge whenever and wherever it is requested? Do all Koreans see my white face as an English skill? Is there any way to have a relationship with a Korean and not to be considered useful this way at the same time? How do I establish boundaries within my Korean relationships that show them I want to be accepted as a person, not as a potential language tool!?
I'm an English speaker, not a walking dictionary
Here is a problem that the Korean rarely encounters, if only because he is living in the U.S. So once again, here is a guest post from I'm No Picasso. As an English teacher in Korea, she would be in a better position to answer the question.
---------------------------------------
As my boyfriend and I sat down to dinner at a galbi restaurant one night, he abruptly launched into a tale about how his friend, a college-aged woman, had recently broken up with her Western boyfriend. As those of us who live here and who are surrounded by these kinds of intercultural, interracial relationships know, there are a few go-to reasons for why the break up may have happened. I asked him which one it was.
"He was really grumpy. He always got mad at her about small things."
Fairly normal breakup fare, intercultural relationship or not. But my boyfriend is not prone to dishing out gossip about other people just to have something to talk about. I had a feeling he had something on his mind, something he maybe wanted to run past me.
"Why was he grumpy? Or is that what you're trying to ask me?"
It was. It turned out the small thing his friend's boyfriend was continuously being grumpy about was her requesting his help with her English assignments. Before my boyfriend had gotten halfway through his explanation, I was already visibly cringing.
(More after the jump)
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
I explained to my boyfriend that, yes, she was his girlfriend, and yes, a good boyfriend should be willing to help his girlfriend with whatever he can, but that asking foreigners in Korea for help with English is always going to be a sore point. I don't think there is even one among us who has never experienced the disappointment that comes along with starting to form a real relationship with a Korean (as a person and not specifically as a Korean) just because we like them and we want to be around them, only to have it become clear that their intentions are not the same. I would wager that most of us have probably had it happen even more than once.
The line starts to get blurry, and it's not difficult to become a little paranoid, after feeling duped the first few times.
But he's a native English speaker, and helping her with these things is so easy for him. She really did like him, and would have been dating him even if he didn't speak English.
Yeah, but how are we supposed to know that?
At that point, I think my boyfriend had caught on to the shift to the pronoun "we", and he decided to let it go.
At this point in my life as a native English speaker in Korea, I think I've constructed a pretty good answer to that question for myself. English help shouldn't be different from any other kind of favor. The emotions tied to it when you are an "outsider" in a society obviously are. But if you try to keep it confined to the realm of any other skill or help you may be able to offer, it gets a lot easier to untangle.
Like any other kind of favor, first of all, no one who hasn't built that kind of relationship with you should be asking you for help with English. If it's the first or second thing out of a person's mouth, it means one of two things: 1. They are the kind of person who feels no shame asking favors of people who have absolutely no reason to give them anything, seeing the possibility for an advantage, and taking it regardless of how it makes the other person feel. They probably act this way toward other Koreans as well. 2. They aren't showing you the same respect they would show another Korean, and they’re making a social mistake based on the fact that they don’t realize that asking you to teach or help them with English is the equivalent of asking someone they barely know for a time-consuming favor at best, and free work at worst.
Basically, they’re being rude. And it’s not a great first impression, or a fantastic indication of things to come. It’s usually best to steer away, in these cases.
But after you have formed those relationships, it becomes more complicated. What are you supposed to do when someone you are already attached to starts making you uncomfortable with how much they are asking of you?
Exactly what you would do in exactly the same case involving anything other than English.
Everyone has different lines for how much they are willing to give to others. Some people, for example, will lend endless money to friends, no matter how many times they ask and no matter how little they are repaid. Other people will bristle the very first time the hint of it comes up, even within a ten year relationship. There is really no "should" involved. It's about your personal comfort level. But if you can try to see your English skill as any other kind of favor, and feel neither more obligated nor more emotional about being asked for it, I think you'll find the answer.
But, as with any other thing, the concept of, "Well you have it to give, therefore you should give it to me and all of my friends whenever I want," doesn't really fly with me.
Sometimes Koreans don't realize that asking for English help is the same as asking for any other favor, and whether we speak the language fluently or not, it's still work for us to pore over 20 page papers, tutor children for an hour a week, and be asked to "dinners" where we spend the majority of the time being asked to correct spoken sentences and critique pronunciation. It's not a super fun thing that we are all doing together and are really lucky to be involved in -- it's a favor. It's something that we are ordinarily paid to do. It involves an investment of our time and effort, which we get nothing out of in return. And it should be respected and approached as such.
And that’s the approach I usually take, when dealing with the requests for what essentially amount to free private lessons. I explain that my visa doesn’t allow me to do any work outside of my school. They usually look confused for a moment, before they realize what I’m saying. Yes. You are my friend. But teaching your child for two hours a week is private tutoring. It’s a job.
As for the closer personal relationships, I’ve found it’s usually best to just explain it, exactly the way I did to my boyfriend. Sometimes people don’t have the first clue how being asked for English help all the time can make us feel – my boyfriend didn’t. And when I explained it, he said, “Well, why didn’t he just tell her that? If she knew that’s what he was thinking, she would’ve never asked him again!” Sometimes just laying it out can save you a lot of trouble, and I see nothing wrong with having to explain it. But it sounds to me like you have already explained it to your boyfriend, maybe even multiple times.
Should you be willing to help your boyfriend whenever possible? Of course. However, he should be willing to stop doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, even if it means telling his friends 'no'. And that goes with every other person we have a personal relationship with as well, Korean or otherwise.
I try not to get my hackles up as soon as someone asks me for help with English, these days. But my very favorite people, it has to be said, are the ones who do so with an offer of a meal or a cup of coffee in return. The ones who say, "I'm really sorry to ask this, but...." The ones who clarify that it's absolutely okay for me to say 'no'. After all, I have to ask for favors, too. I can’t order this thing online because I don’t have a Korean identification number, and do you know what this note I got in my mailbox means? And more and more these days, I annoy my boyfriend (who has zero interest in improving his English) with my inane Korean questions, or to look over essays or assignments I’ve written.
I need help, too. And I’ve even asked my boyfriend to help my friends before. And he’s always happy to help, and I love him for that. But I respect it when he and other people tell me ‘no’. And I’m always aware that what I’m asking for is a favor. I expect the same in return, and if anyone in my personal life continues to push after I've made it obvious that I'm uncomfortable with the requests, I start to reevaluate that relationship.
We're not going to stop being native English speakers, and the occasional Korean is never going to stop seeing us as having been put on this earth to help people with their English. It's impossible to stop encountering it. It is possible, however, to move away from people who don’t care about making you uncomfortable. Always explain first – you don’t want to cut people out because they simply didn’t have a chance to understand where you are coming from. But after that? Think about the kind of people you want to have in your life, and take it from there.
I'm No Picasso blogs at imnopicasso.blogspot.com.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
Got a question or a comment for the Korean? Email away at askakorean@gmail.com.
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